The two of wands from the light seer's tarot. It shows a person sitting by a large window and gazing out. There is a globe and a campervan brochure beside them. They are holding one wand and another is leaning against the wall behind them.

Poking Around: Journal the First

My mood has taken a real plunge in the last few weeks, and it hasn’t been much fun. A friend suggested I try journalling, and writing has in the past proved to be a good way of working through my Feelings. But since I’m apparently constitutionally incapable of writing anything without writing it for someone other than myself to read, here I am. And after all, it’s all work on the weird complicated mess of a ship that is me.

To get me started in this business of Poking Around, I pulled a card from the Light Seer’s tarot, and the card I got was the Two of Wands. It shows a person sitting beside a window with a globe and a camper van brochure beside them. They’re gazing out of the window and holding one wand, while the other is leaning against the wall behind them.

This card is about possibilities and planning. No actual action has been taken yet, this is all about the pre-action stage. Doing the research, setting the expectations, making the plan.

But all of those things are contingent on there being possibilites. The person in this card is able to plan to go out and see the world, to start a journey, because their body is capable of that. Mine, not so much. Planning seems pointless, because what is there to plan? Or, from another point of view, I’m forever at this stage, sitting by my window, with all the information about the world I need at my fingertips, but never able to take the next step. I’m sure this is one of the things that’s depressing me. People are always doing new things. Changing or planning to change their careers. Getting married, having kids, writing books, making things, moving house. And here I am, sitting and looking out of the window, and it doesn’t feel like a life. I don’t know how to make it feel like a life.

So I’m just reminding myself that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel these things. I don’t have to fix them. I can’t fix them, and that’s okay.

I acknowledge that I feel as though my potential has been taken away from me. I acknowledge that this makes me feel sad and angry and empty and pointless. I see you, sadness, angriness, emptiness, pointlessness. I may not like you, but you are part of me. Welcome aboard.

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